BREAKING: Empire State Bans Screws!

Hardware World In Chaos!

New York State officials have officially decreed that the sale of Phillip's Head screws is now prohibited within the state, due to the name Phillip being a guy's name and potentially being irrationally taken as insensitive to women, and any variation, combination, mutation, etc., thereof. Especially them. 😉

An unnamed state official said, "To be in compliance going forward under Title IX-HDW, all purveyors of construction fasteners within New York State must give equal retail space to traditional Phillip's Head screws, and the new state mandated and taxed Philomina's Head screws. Look, it's the same fucking screw. I don't need to lie to you peasants. You can't do anything. This is a quarter-million dollar re-packaging contract so the boxes say “Philomina”. We'll bang the Big Guy for half a billion on a 'diversity' pitch, and just put the rest under the mountain with the dragon. And the best part? You'll sell the female variety at 70% the price of the male variety to reflect the gender pay gap. That way you'll sell a whole lot more of them, and we can spin those numbers into looking like it mattered. See how that grimy political bullshit works both ways when you need it to? Aw, shit....hold that letter to President Dementia! We forgot screwdrivers. (facepalm) Okay, just change that to a billion and go. We'll sort it out later.”

We spoke to a local screw merchant yesterday who wished to remain anonymous, who said "Faaaaaack all the way off. It's Sunday afternoon. I don't have to care about this shit 'til eight am tomorrow."

Ironically, it wasn't necessary to interview any women for this article at all, because y'all are just a footnote in it...something you should start getting used to unless you stop voting for democrats. 😉