BREAKING: Massive Wave Of 'Math Headaches' Suddenly Spreading Across America Today!

Potential OTC Pain Reliever Shortages Likely!

In this rapidly developing story, millions of unhinged left simpletons across the fruited plain have reportedly been struck by debilitating, brain-crushing headaches, after staring at six years worth of a billionaire real estate tycoon’s tax returns…with no idea whatsoever what the fuuuuuuck they’re even looking for 🙄…desperately searching for a shred of “Orange Man Bad” among the pages and pages of things that were completely within the limits of existing law shown within these documents.

Authorities are advising democrats to resist their regular simple-minded primal instincts and temptations and avoid coming in contact with these documents as best they can, and to just wait for the “Unhinged Leftism For Dummies” approved list of catch phrases and talking points to be released later in the day, instead.

In a statement released from the beach on St. Croix in the Virgin Islands, President Big Guy said, “Man, I wish my brain was still wrinkly enough to get headaches. I can eat a whole quart of mint chocolate chip in 30 seconds and not even get a decent brain freeze anymore, Jack. Hey! Blond, curly hair, about 9-years-old, Dora the Explorer bathing suit at 2 o’clock! One of you Bideneers lay out a candy trail, quick! Anyway, who am I again??”

We will keep an eye on how this unprecedented mass headache outbreak may affect national retail stockpiles of over the counter pain relief products throughout the day, and advise on any shortages as they develop..