BREAKING: Senate Minority Leader Set To Resume Sucking After Injuries

Cocaine Mitch to return to Capitol Hill after 5 weeks recovering from fall

Senate Minority Loser, Mitch McConnell, will be returning to his office on Monday, after five weeks recovering from injuries sustained in a fall back in March.

And unnamed anonymous source close to McConnell said that the senator is in good spirits, feeling great, and can't wait to get back to his regular routine of grifting and amassing personal power, and also stated emphatically that any rumors of a “body double" being inserted in his place…amphibious or otherwise…are completely preposterous.

Reaction to this news among congressional Republicans ranges from “Shit… 😑” to “Faaaack!! 😣”

Still no word on The Fetterman or Dianne Flintstone. 🙄